Dear Abby for November 20, 2022 - Dear Abby (2024)

I think my kids were very thoughtful. They are all trying to build their lives. One has two kids, a house and a mortgage. The other just got engaged and is saving for the wedding. The third is saving for her future. My mother thinks her grandchildren should give her gifts and money. I think she should expect money from her own kids, not the grandkids. I hung up on her when she attacked my children. She always thinks she's right. Your thoughts? -- LIVING WITH A DIFFICULT MOM

DEAR LIVING: Was Auntie satisfied with the meal? Your mother may think she is always right, but she was wrong to criticize the amount your children spent on dinner for their aunt. That she would then announce she expects gifts and money from them is beyond presumptuous. The decision about what to give is up to the giver, not the recipient.

DEAR ABBY: My husband passed away two years ago. I hope you can give me some advice on how to deal with my 53-year-old daughter who never left home. We generally get along well. She does freelance art, but doesn't earn much. She contributes only $30 a month. Also, she has a driving phobia, so she doesn't drive. She expects me to drive her to various places.

She only has cyber friends. She wants to travel, but doesn't want to go alone and keeps pushing me to go with her, although I don't really want to. I have suggested group tours, but she hesitates to go alone. I feel pressured to keep peace and go along with her desires. How should I handle this? -- PULLING BACK IN NEVADA

DEAR PULLING BACK: You have protected and enabled your daughter far too long. Tell her that her dependence on you has become too much. She must overcome her driving phobia (or at least take advantage of public transportation) and her fear of travel without you. Unless you have provided for her financially in the event of your death, how do you think she will survive living as a virtual shut-in with no employment and life skills? There are psychotherapists who specialize in ridding people of phobias. While she's there, your daughter should also get help to gain a degree of independence, even if it's about 30 years late.

DEAR ABBY: My sister passed away from lung cancer 10 months ago. My brother-in-law no longer wants to live in the house they shared because of too many memories, so he's giving the house to his daughter and moving into an apartment. My other sister wants to throw him a housewarming party. Is that appropriate? -- WELL-MEANING IN THE EAST

DEAR WELL-MEANING: Of course it is, as long as it's OK with your brother-in-law. It's not only appropriate, it is a loving, positive gesture and, in a sense, a celebration of life. Good for her!

DEAR ABBY: My strongest "love language" is physical touch. For 23 years, my husband gave hugs galore to any and every woman, but never to me. The word "never" is not an exaggeration. He has recently begun to change and try to be better. Now he does hug me as much as I want. But when he hugs other women, it still feels like a knife through my heart.

He says the hugs mean nothing to him, but I question why, if they were so insignificant, he couldn't give me even one for more than two decades? How do I get over feeling hurt when he hugs other women? Is there something wrong with my perspective on this? I'm not sure if I'm being too sensitive. -- FINALLY WORTH HUGGING

DEAR FINALLY: Too sensitive? There is nothing wrong with your "perspective." For 23 years your passive-aggressive husband chose to withhold a gesture of affection you requested, while showering other women with it. It's "nice" that he's finally willing to make the effort to hug you but, frankly, it seems a bit late. It may take a therapist to help work through your justified hurt and anger over this. My advice is to start now.

DEAR ABBY: My husband died suddenly three months ago. My family sympathizes with me; however, my youngest daughter thinks I need to move on and get over his death. How can I make her understand that his death has devastated me, and getting over it will take time? She reads tarot cards and claims the cards are telling me to get over it and move on. How can I get her to stop with the card readings? -- HEARTBROKEN IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Your daughter may be trying to be helpful. She may also be uncomfortable seeing her mother in pain. Clearly, she has no clue about how grief works. There is no timetable for it, but three months is a relatively short period of time. Tell her that for the foreseeable future those card readings will no longer be a subject of discussion. Then, if she brings it up again, change the subject.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to ask your advice about how to tell my friends we should not exchange Christmas gifts this year. We are all retirees. I'm not cheap, and neither are they, but none of us "needs" anything. I suspect many of us want to say it, but we don't know how. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Suggestions? -- HALTING HOLIDAY GIFT-GIVING

DEAR HALTING: I assume you see or communicate with these friends regularly. Raise this subject during one of your visits well before the Christmas holiday. Many retirees are trying to divest themselves of the "things" they have accumulated during their lifetime, and your friends may feel similarly. Do not feel shy about bringing it up. They may be as relieved as you about exchanging only cards and good wishes.

DEAR ABBY: I am a widowed woman who met a gentleman online two years ago. We met in person and get along really great. Everything seems perfect, but my girlfriends keep telling me they see his profile on numerous dating sites. When I asked him about it, he said he had closed the accounts. Well, close friends say they are concerned because he is on a lot of those sites even now.

I'm at a crossroads with this. I'm not sure if he's casually looking to see if there is anyone better, or if he's stroking his ego with contacts from these dating sites. What should I take away from this? -- PERPLEXED IN FLORIDA

DEAR PERPLEXED: The first thing to pay attention to is that you don't feel you can trust him at his word. Ask some of your vigilant girlfriends to reach out to him on some of those sites they see him on. If they receive a response, end the romance if what you want is an exclusive relationship.

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law and I used to be close, closer even than I was to my actual sister. Three years ago, we were on a trip and had an argument and didn't speak for more than a year. We have since made up, but our relationship isn't the same.

We are friends with a close group of women and have fun in a group, but anytime I invite her to do something, she will accept and then cancel at the last minute or tell me she can't go when I contact her asking what time we should meet. Her answers to my texts are cold and short.

I'm tired of being constantly hurt by the rejection. Should I just quit trying and accept that this is our new dynamic? -- TO TRY OR NOT TO TRY?

DEAR TRY OR NOT: Your sister-in-law is either extremely rude or still trying to punish you for that argument you had three years ago. It's time to step back and accept the new dynamic, because pushing for more isn't working.

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter is being married soon. She has invited our best friends of 30 years to her wedding, but she refuses to invite their adult daughter because she has treated her parents very disrespectfully throughout the years. (Our friends tolerate this because she's their only child.) I understand my daughter's reasoning, but I told her I'm afraid we will lose their friendship if she does this. Our friends' feelings get hurt very easily. How do we deal with this? -- CONFLICTED MAMA IN TEXAS

DEAR MAMA: If your friendship with this couple depends upon how your daughter treats her daughter, that relationship is already fragile. This is your daughter's special day. I do not think she should be strong-armed into inviting someone because you're afraid your friendship with this couple will end if her daughter isn't included. Deal with this by not involving yourself.