Advice to Graduate Leads to Major Falling-Out - Dear Abby (2024)

My wife's daughter "Diana" recently disrupted everything after I gave her daughter (my granddaughter) some financial advice after she graduated from college. Diana not only went off on me, but also lied to her children about me and has shut me and my wife out of their lives. I'm crushed and trying not to lose the relationships with Diana's kids. I don't feel I did anything wrong. The advice I gave was sound and nothing a professional would disagree with. Please advise. -- HURTING FROM HELPING

DEAR HURTING: You have my sympathy. This may be an unfortunate example of "no good deed goes unpunished." Because Diana refuses to discuss the matter, the breach she has created isn't fixable. If you are successful in maintaining a relationship with the grandkids, you may eventually find out what set your wife's daughter off. In the meantime, you and your poor wife must accept what has happened and do your best not to allow it to further disrupt your lives.

DEAR ABBY: Like a lot of people, I'm working from home. Today I was completing a complicated procedure between calls from customers and getting conflicting instant messages from my supervisor and manager. I exclaimed a cuss word and suddenly got an IM from the manager saying I shouldn't cuss. I'm at home, in my room, using my computer and on pause so I can't receive a call from a customer, and my manager is listening to me? Was I in the wrong here? -- CAUGHT IN TEXAS

DEAR CAUGHT: Yes, you were. If you did something during business hours that you wouldn't do at the office, you shouldn't have been doing it at home. (In the future, if you want to blurt out a few choice words, do it while you are well away from the microphone!)

DEAR ABBY: Unlike the rest of my family of omnivores, I have been a vegan for decades. Without fail, every time we get together and go out to eat, whoever made the reservation chooses a restaurant that serves nothing I can eat. So I end up eating just bread and a small dinner salad. I'm not asking that we go to a vegan restaurant (although I'd prefer that), just a vegan-friendly place. Advice? -- HUNGRY VEGAN GUY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR VEGAN GUY: Provide your insensitive relatives with a list of restaurants to choose from that are more accommodating to your lifestyle. In California, many restaurants cater to patrons with varying needs, so this shouldn't have happened to you more than once. Nothing will change until you speak up.

DEAR ABBY: After 28 years of marriage, is it strange that I would like my wife to initiate sex? I would like to know that she is interested, not just me. When I brought it up three weeks ago, her response again was, "We can whenever you want to," which wasn't true because I have been turned down before. Any suggestions? She stays home all day and wants for nothing. Do you think she's getting it somewhere else? -- FRUSTRATED IN THE BEDROOM

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I hope your wife is intelligent enough to recognize a red flag when it's waved in front of her. I have a strong hunch that she isn't "getting it somewhere else." It's more likely she no longer has a strong sex drive at this point in her life, or she may never have. Also, she may not know how to initiate and need coaching. If you can't teach her, enlist the aid of a sex therapist. (Your doctor may be able to refer you to one.) If you do, it may not only spice up but save your marriage.

DEAR ABBY: I live on the opposite coast from my family. During the pandemic, my youngest brother and his wife bought a new, very large house. He told me they had plenty of room and, the next time we come for a visit, they want us to stay with them. Well, that visit will be in November, but no invitation to stay has been extended. Should I remind my brother about his invitation, or should we just book a hotel? My gut instinct is to book the hotel, but my brother is very sensitive to how the family treats him, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. What should I do? -- BIG SIS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BIG SIS: Ask your brother if his offer still stands, since it has been some time since he extended his "generous invitation." Listen carefully to his reaction. If you sense that he may have forgotten or the situation has changed because of COVID, tell him it would not be a problem for you to book accommodations at a hotel if it's more convenient. Doing this should not cause hurt feelings.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 32 years. We are still in love and consider each other our best friend. We survived some rough patches and learned how to make things right. I have one concern at this point in our journey. My wife constantly says, "I hate myself." The more she says it out loud, the more I see the impact on her emotionally. What can a partner do to help? I'm 100% supportive of all she does and totally attracted to her, yet I can't see this being healthy. Please help and thanks. -- DIRTY WORDS IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR DIRTY WORDS: The next time your wife tells you she hates herself, ask her why she is being so hard on herself and ask her to be specific about what it is she hates. Explain that you love her exactly as she is and worry that what she's doing isn't emotionally healthy. (I agree, by the way.) If she persists after that, suggest she make an appointment with a licensed mental health professional to discuss it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a guy who is 27. I have always been somewhat shy and reserved, but I do like people and I like mixing. After more than a year of being "locked down" during the COVID-19 pandemic, although I was fine being housebound, I started missing human contact.

Social opportunities are opening up for me now, and though I was never great in conversations at parties, my "time away" has made me rusty. I believe you have written some pointers for being better in social situations. Can you give me a quick refresher course? Thanks, Abby! -- READY TO BE BACK OUT THERE

DEAR READY: I'm happy to try. The first thing to understand is that social adeptness is a skill. No one is born with it. It has to be learned. With practice, it can be "polished" until it becomes second nature.

Part of being social is showing an interest in other people. Encourage them to share their interests and opinions. Ask them to tell you about themselves and what they think. Ask their opinions and, when they tell you, be a good listener. Cultivate your own interests so you will have something to share with them.

I publish a booklet (which is probably what you were alluding to in your letter) titled, "How to be Popular" that contains many useful tips for polishing social skills. It can be ordered by sending your name and address, plus a check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. It is meant for people of all ages and covers a variety of situations. (If parents, teachers and clergy know someone who needs help in this regard, it might make an inexpensive gift that could change the course of a person's life.)

When you receive it, don't read it just once. Keep it handy for reference because it contains many helpful suggestions about how to be the kind of individual others find interesting and attractive. The keys to being socially successful are: Be kind. Be honest. Be tactful. Offer a compliment if you think it is deserved. And if you become anxious, remember: People can think of only one thing at a time. Forget about yourself and concentrate on the other person. Try it and you'll find it works like a charm.

DEAR ABBY: Lately my best friend has been assuming the role of the masculine lesbian in our duo. I'm tired of making cute outfits, and I want a turn to dress as the male. How do I subtly hint that we need a role switch-up? -- CURIOUS & CONFUSED IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR CURIOUS & CONFUSED: Hint? Why hint? Choose a time when you are both calm and relaxed and tell her what you need. You have a right to do that, and if she cares about you, she should be willing to accommodate you.