Friend's Constant Advice on All Things Begins To Grate - Dear Abby (2024)

I think they mean well, but the "friendly" reminders are beginning to come across as condescending. Some examples: If I mention what I'm making for dinner, I'll be reminded to make sure the chicken is cooked to the correct temperature. I have a vacation planned, and I was just reminded that in order to go I need to have flights booked.

I'm afraid I may be overreacting, which is why I haven't said anything. However, these constant reminders are frustrating and leave me with the impression that my friend thinks I'm stupid or incapable of taking care of myself. What's your advice on how to handle this? -- NOT A KID AND NOT STUPID

DEAR NOT: A way to handle it would be to ask your friend why the advice was being offered. If you say you're making chicken for dinner and you are advised to be sure it's cooked to an internal temperature of 165 degrees, calmly ask why the person felt it was necessary to say it. The same goes for your travel plans and any other unsolicited advice you receive. If you ask the question, you may find that your old friend isn't questioning your intelligence, but simply trying to be helpful.

DEAR ABBY: My niece is getting married. This has been a very stressful time for her family. My sister calls me in tears every night because of the hurtful things her daughter has said to her. Until now, they had a good relationship. I know weddings can be a nightmare for families, even those who are close, because the bride can turn into a "bridezilla." It is HER wedding, although my sister is paying for everything.

Her daughter and the fiance are in their 30s and have well-paying jobs but are very happy to have my sister foot the bill. Sometimes I want to shake my niece and tell her to grow up and show some respect. Is there anything I can do to help my sister other than listen and be there for her? I'm getting worried about her health because of the stress, and she refuses to take care of herself. -- FEELING HELPLESS IN THE EAST

DEAR FEELING HELPLESS: I am sure you are aware that most couples in their 30s who have well-paying jobs foot the bill for their own weddings. Your sister has created this monster with her checkbook. At this point, the most helpful thing you can do for her is what you have been doing -- letting her vent so she doesn't blow a gasket from the pressure.

DEAR ABBY: My parents have been divorced since I was little, but I still visit Dad often, especially now that I'm fully vaccinated. What's causing the problem is I am leaving for my first year of college. Dad has been offering me alcohol while I'm at his house. I would be lying if I said I have never accepted a drink when he offered one, mainly out of curiosity. My mom, however, fervently believes I shouldn't touch alcohol until I'm 21. (I'm 19 now.)

I don't want to disappoint her because she's very strong in her opinions about it. But I also don't want my first alcohol experiences to happen states away from either parent while I'm at college. Dad shares this sentiment, but he pushes me to drink more often than I am comfortable with. Thankfully, when I tell him, he'll stop for the night.

I'm not sure which of my parents' sides I should take -- don't drink at all to make Mom happy, or drink with Dad and try to hide it to avoid the consequences. I know hiding things isn't good. Mom will eventually find out. But I think it's ridiculous to swear off drinking before going to college, where alcohol is around every corner. What do you think? -- ANXIOUS ABOUT ALCOHOL IN GEORGIA

DEAR ANXIOUS: In the state of Georgia, it is against the law for someone under the age of 21 to consume alcohol. By pressing you to drink, your father is breaking the law. Some parents feel that allowing a minor to drink at home "takes the mystery out of it" for their teenager. The problem is, in some young people it creates an appetite for alcohol that can lead to lifelong drinking problems. We have all read about the tragic consequences of binge drinking among some college students. Listen to your mother. She's right, and your father is misguided.

DEAR ABBY: I'm married to a wonderful, caring man who is normally pretty sensitive and savvy. I work long hours. Because "Carl" is retired, he does most of the cooking, for which I'm grateful. What he does not do is share the TV.

When I come home after a tough day at the office from a job filled with heavy responsibilities, he expects me to watch political YouTube videos with him. If it's not that, then it's woodworking or some other hobby of his. I have tried going into another room and watching TV there, but if I do, Carl gets hurt feelings. If I play on my phone, then I'm not attentive enough.

I love him, but I have to have some time to just relax and unwind from the load I carry. He won't watch what I want to watch -- ever. It has to be his way or nothing. I can't believe that in 2021 I have this issue with a man. Please help. -- CAN'T WIN IN ARKANSAS

DEAR CAN'T WIN: I will try. Your husband may be retired, but he's acting like a spoiled child. Draw the line and TELL him you need a specific amount of time to unwind and concentrate on YOUR interests. If that means he has to accept your leaving the room to watch something that interests you, he is going to have to adjust. If he pouts, let him, and suggest the two of you save "co-viewing" for weekends.

DEAR ABBY: I divorced my cheating husband, but my mother keeps inviting him over to her and Dad's house. Not only does she invite him, she's now inviting one of the women he cheated on me with! She tries to justify it by saying she isn't going to keep him out of our daughter's life. Our daughter lives with my parents -- but she's 23 years old. Am I wrong to be angry and for telling my mom she was wrong for choosing him over me? Our daughter is an adult and can go to visit her father. -- CHEATED ON AGAIN IN COLORADO

DEAR CHEATED ON: Your mother entertains your husband and his "lady" friend (I use the term advisedly) because, for whatever reason, she can't let go of the relationship. Your feelings are justified. When the good Lord handed out mothers, he should have chosen one more supportive. This is why it's important for your emotional well-being that you move forward with your life. You can't control your mom, but you can control how much time you spend with her.

DEAR ABBY: Our family does not have a relationship with my son, "Josh." My sister occasionally asks me if I have heard from him and, when she does, she refers to him as "your son," never by his name. I can't imagine myself referring to my niece as "your daughter." I refer to her by her name. My sister is sensitive and doesn't take criticism well, so I don't know of a polite way to tell her how this offends me. It implies detachment, disinterest, distance. -- DISENGAGED AUNT

DEAR DISENGAGED AUNT: You say your family has no relationship with Josh. Your sister's refusal -- or inability -- to refer to him by his name doesn't just "imply" detachment, disinterest and distance -- it shouts it. It would not be out of line to tell your sister the next time it happens that you find it "hurtful" and ask her to please use Josh's name in the future.

DEAR ABBY: I got very sick in 2014 and spent six months in the hospital. I'm almost 100% recovered now and I'm grateful to all of those who supported me during this journey. Some family members helped out monetarily -- some in a large way, and others, small. I'm working part time and feel I should pay them back, although none of them has ever said a word about the money. What do you think? -- GRATEFUL GUY IN ILLINOIS

DEAR GRATEFUL GUY: Talk to your relatives. Tell them that although you are working only part time now, at some point you would like to repay their generosity. Some of them may agree; others may refuse. But there is more than one way to repay a "favor." Bear that in mind should a need of theirs come to your attention that does not involve money. And another thought: If you haven't written these generous people thanking them for helping you when you needed it so much, you should.